In the Darkness You Found Me
by Just-Soldier-On
Summary: AU. Dean, an ordinary high school boy with dreams of getting out of his tiny town, but always knowing he'll never get the chance. Gay, broken and perpetually awaiting something that he deems will never happen. He is on a spree to numb his pain by indulging in alcohol, sex and sometimes drugs. That is until he meets Castiel Novak. Rated M for mentions of self harm and later themes.


_**Prologue:**_

_I am a homosexual._

_A._

_Dirty._

_Queer._

_"Cock sucker"_

_"Faggot"_

_"Fruit"_

_"Homo"_

_I fucked Lisa and Becca, Stacey and Audrey, Mandy and Kelsey and that other chick. What was her name? Keira? Kate? Molly? Holly? I don't care; I'll forget their name as I'm slamming myself into them, one after the other, picturing a slender and curve free guy writhing under me._

_For a few moments I'll forget that I'm a disgrace to my football team._

_For a few moments I'll forget that my parent's will be disappointed in who I am if I ever tell them._

_For a few moments I'll forget that my father will see me as less of a man._

_And for a few moments I'll forget that my brother would think differently of me._

_And if the sex or the alcohol or even the drugs aren't enough, I'll go home and sink that thin, cold razor into my scarred up skin. And for a little while I'll watch as the blood seeps from my wrist and onto the bathroom floor. I'll forget that I'm a freak and that no one stays._

"Dean, what has been going on with you lately?" My dad yelled. I could see the fire in his eyes, he was absolutely livid- and I couldn't blame him. "You're out almost every single night, fucking God knows who, with God's know what. You reek of alcohol and marijuana almost all the time."

You could practically smell the disappointment rolling off of him.

"I'm sorry"

I really was sorry too. Mostly I was sorry that I wasn't as good of a son as Sammy was. Sorry that I didn't pay attention in school or get straight A's.

Mostly I was sorry that I wasn't good enough- I want to be. Good enough.

"Leave it, John, please. Just let him go to bed" My beautiful mother mumbled with eyes of sorrow as she stared at me.

"Mum..." I trailed off not know what to say to her, or how to take that look off her face. That look killed me.

"Please, Dean. Just go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

And with that tone of finality I walked numbly upstairs, aiming to go to my room. But I stopped half way up when I was out of sight. I could hear the muffled conversation just barely.

"I'm getting sick of this Mary; you're always on his damn side. That boy is getting on my last nerve."

"Our son is drifting away from us John; I don't want to lose him anymore than what we have already. I don't know what to do anymore but he is our son and we will help him. I have a feeling that something we don't know about is happening in his life right now. He is acting out of hurt and anger. You know how kids are. He needs some time. He will come to us in time."

I didn't wait for my dad's reply. I sauntered up the stairs and I got ready for bed.

* * *

"Sammy, hurry up. I'm leaving in five minutes."

"Dean" My mother chastised lightly. "It's his first day at high school, you be nice to him. You hear me?"

"Yes ma"

"Good" She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. "Now, you be good at school today. No back chatting to the teachers, if I get one more call from Mrs Robertson- or any other teacher about you being rude in class, I might just get vertigo and die"

"Mum vertigo's a dysfunction of the vestibular system of the inner ear. You can't die from it and you don't get it from stress" Sam, the Sasquatch, smart ass said in that matter of fact voice he has- he was also sporting his famous bitch face.

"And as for you Samuel Winchester, if I get one single call from a teacher this year saying that you corrected them in front of the class and _embarrassed_ them, then you're going to be grounded."

"Mum that's not fair. How can I trust my teachers if they don't know how to teach? My education is at risk if their dumb."

"Sam" _She had the look. Her don't you dare mess with me look. _The look I don't even mess with.

"Yes mother"

"Good boy. Now give me hugs. Do not be late for school." She gave us both a kiss on the cheek and handed us our pre packed lunches for school. "Dean do not forget your brother"

I rolled my eyes and kissed her on the cheek.

"Bye mum!" Sam yelled excitedly, already ahead of me to get to the car.

As I unlocked the car and we got in, I cranked the heat.

"Hey Dean, can I ask you something?"

"No, you cannot borrow money"

He huffed at me.

"That's not what I wanted to ask you."

"Oh. Shoot"

I started the car and reversed out of the driveway, ready to start another day of hell.

Sam seemed to be struggling to find the right words. I could tell this because of the "Ummm... Ahh.. I- mmm."

"Spit it out."

And then, out come the rapidly asked question that I was dreading to be asked.

"Are you gay?"

And then my foot hit the break and my body came hurting forward, only to be stopped by the seatbelt I hadn't even realised I put on.

"What?" I muttered turning toward him. And for a second, I swore I saw fear in his eyes.

"N-noth-ing"

"No, what did you say?" I needed him to ask that question again in case I missed it the first time.

"Are you gay?"

"Why would even ask me that, Sam?"

"Please don't hit me"

It took me a second to understand what he was talking about, and then I realised. My hand was grasping his collar and I was inches away from him with a scowl on my face.

"I'm sorry" I let him go and I started the car up, breathing out the air I didn't realise I had kept in.

"Why would you ask me that?" I asked one more time.

"I was helping mum with the washing and she asked me to go into your room and get your dirty clothes and I saw some under your bed, and when I went to get it I saw a gay porn magazine under there."

"You were snooping in my room?"

"No- I promise."

I was scaring the poor kid.

Shit.

I moved the car to the side of the road and I switched it off, not caring that we had 10 minutes to get to school.

"I'm sorry if I scared you"

"You didn't" I think he was lying for my sake.

After a few moments of silence he spoke up.

"Are you, Dean?"

"Gay?" I whispered, taking a sharp intake of air. "Yes."

"When did you realise?"

"I think I always knew. But, I don't know, maybe a year ago or two ago. I did everything to try and deny it, you know?"

I didn't know why I was telling him all of this, but I couldn't stop myself. It flooded out of me, along with tears I had kept in for so long after all this time, I needed to release it.

"I tried having sex with all these girls, because, if I did then maybe I could turn myself straight. I thought that it could help. But it didn't. Nothing does. Everything is just a distraction that only lasts for a few hours. Like drinking or drugs, I can't get this out of my mind. That I'm this huge freak faggot. If everybody knew they'd fucking hate me! I hate me. I just hate it. I want to be normal-" he cut me off there.

"But Dean, you are normal."

"You don't hate me?"

"Because you are gay you'd think I'd hate you or think differently of you?"

"Well yeah"

"You're a jerk" He leant over toward me and wrapped his small arms around me. "I don't hate you because you're gay, I hate you because you're my brother and that's what brothers do."

I laughed through my tears and hugged him back.

"I love you Dean"

And I didn't say it back, because I didn't say it to anyone. I just hugged him tighter in hope he'd take it as a silent one.


End file.
